From "Trust Issues" to Doubts and Worries. Moving beyond labels and towards compassion in counselling.

I noticed something after a recent session while writing my notes.

With a long-term client, we talked about their feelings of insecurity about their relationship, triggered by certain behaviour from their partner.

Afterwards, while writing my session notes, I found myself using the phrase: "triggered trust issues." It was simply shorthand; I knew this client struggles a lot with trust, and it is something we often talk about.

I immediately felt uncomfortable when I noticed what I had written, I crossed it out and replaced it with: "triggered doubts and worries."

I realised that I had used a somewhat judgmental label to describe my client's experience. Interestingly, this is exactly what this client often does themselves. They struggle with judging their own feelings of doubt and insecurity as something that is wrong with them, as a fault on their part.

Their reality is that they do not experience trust towards their partner, and they feel that this is wrong—that it means they have an "issue."

It made me think about how often we all do this, and how many clients come to counselling carrying these kinds of labels, perhaps without fully realising it.

They come wanting to change how they feel because it is seen as a problem. "I'm an overthinker." "I have an anxiety problem." "I have trust issues."

What would it be like to reframe these statements in the same way I reframed my note?

Instead of "I have trust issues," perhaps: "I experience a lot of doubt and uncertainty in relationships."

Instead of "I'm an overthinker," perhaps: "I spend a lot of time worrying because I want certainty."

There is something more compassionate in describing an experience rather than turning it into an identity.

Whether it is an "issue" or not, living with distrust, uncertainty, anxiety, jealousy, or self-doubt can be deeply painful. These experiences are hard to carry, especially when they keep returning.

Of course, it is important to notice patterns and work on them. Counselling can help with that. But before we rush to fix ourselves, perhaps we can first acknowledge the reality of what we are going through.

Rather than saying, "There is something wrong with me," we might say, "This is something I experience a lot, and it is difficult.” This can encourage self-compassion. 

And compassion, perhaps, is a much better place to begin than self-judgment.

Because anxiety, self-doubt, jealousy, and uncertainty are not experiences we choose. They are difficult realities that many people find themselves living with, day after day.

Perhaps that is why the phrase "trust issues" suddenly felt uncomfortable to me.

I felt that it moved me away from my client's experience and towards a label. And while labels can sometimes be useful, I never want to lose sight of the client who is trying to cope with something painful, confusing, or frightening.

Only then can I begin helping them explore the patterns behind these experiences and whether there are ways of relating to them differently.