Sexual Abuse and Feeding the Calves. On carrying self-blame and why vulnerability and the need for connection are never an invitation for abuse.

Many clients who talk about sexual abuse often struggle with difficult questions: Did I cause this? Is there something about me that attracted the abusive behavior—was I asking for it? Frequently, the women I have worked with worry that their actions somehow invited or permitted the perpetrators to abuse them.

Additionally, some of them have questioned whether they are exaggerating. They wonder if, because it wasn’t a full rape, they are making a big deal out of nothing.

Once, during a session with a remarkable young woman, she shared her dilemmas and described a period in her life that she referred to as "party escapism”. In the session she said she felt somehow guilty and responsible for the abuse she experienced from both men and women during those times. Lost and unable to recognize her need for closeness and intimacy, she desperately searched for something to fill that void.

As I listened to her, I was reminded of my years working on a dairy farm. One of my tasks was to feed milk to baby calves from a bottle with a nipple. Have you ever seen a newborn calf desperate for milk? They could smell the milk and were incredibly hungry. All they knew was that they wanted it. They would stretch their necks and move their little heads toward what they thought was the nipple, biting anything they could find in a chaotic manner. Often, that meant biting and sucking my knee, arm, or elbow. In their desperation, they would run around me while I tried to stop them and place the bottle in their mouths. By the time I finally managed to get the bottle into their mouths, there was milk everywhere (not to mention the calves poo)—on me, the calves, and the straw around us. They were stressed and frantic.

This image came to mind as I thought about my client’s desperate attempts to find what her being was designed to receive: connection, closeness, love, validation, and acceptance. Like the calf instinctively reaching for milk, she was searching for emotional nourishment but instead received abuse and a violation of her vulnerability.

So, when my clients ask if they are to blame for being abused, I respond with questions. When you were ‘exposing yourself’ during those ‘party escapism’ times, what were you really hoping to get? Love, connection, and acceptance—not abuse or a violation of your vulnerability. Just like the calf that desperately tried to bite my elbow didn’t want to chew the polyester of my fleece: it simply wanted milk. It was acting on instinct and didn’t know any better.

When someone abuses you while you are desperately searching for connection without knowing how to find it, it is the abuser who is at fault, not you. You weren’t seeking abuse or violation; you were seeking connection but didn’t know how to achieve it. This exploitation is what makes it abuse—a crime, an assault. That is not what you were asking for. Even if you agree to kiss someone but then change your mind when you realize it’s not the love, affection, connection, or intimacy you desire, if that person ignores your change of heart and abuses you, it is still a crime—because that is not what you consented to.

We all long for love, acceptance, connection, and intimacy with one another. We all want to feel chosen, special, loved, and adored for our looks, character, and talents. These needs are part of being human, just as the calf has the instinct to find its mother’s nipple for nourishment. Wanting and needing love does not mean you deserve to be abused or punished; that need should never be exploited.

So please, do not blame yourself for exposing yourself to abuse, even if you think you have. Nobody asks for abuse. We all ask for love.